I cannot deal with change.

Hello, my name is Jennifer, and I am a massive ball of Taurus/Leo/Scorp fixed sign stuff, and I CAN'T DEAL WITH CHANGE.

Let's just get that out in the open, shall we?

Here's how my day has gone. No family fighting, for once, but that's because my mom is going out of town. Local drama is going down, though.

I am in an organization that I cannot get to without assistance, as it is not located remotely near public transport. I used to get rides over with friends, who all moved out of my area. A year or so ago, I finally found someone living in my town who wanted to join the group, so I rode along with him.

For the last six months or so, I have had the impression that this fellow wanted to/was going to drop out of the group. He was having a rough time in it, he didn't exactly have spectacular attendance (and this is someone who, from my previous experience of him, is not flaky like that), and his excuses for not wanting to go got lamer and lamer. And finally, he had something bad happen to him at the last meeting that made him want to officially drop out. I can't blame him for this at all, because if I had that going on, I would drop out too.

So basically, I knew this was coming. KNEW THIS.

In the meantime, an opportunity has come up for me to join a similar group, which is located in my town and would not require me to find a ride out to meetings. (The folks in the group all have the same lack of transport issue, as far as I can tell, so they weren't joining group #1.) So I joined it, knowing that odds are I was going to have to leave group #1. I think there are enough people in the group who sound like they're permanent locals (this town has a LOT of flakes, which is why my attempts to start a local group with the people I met previously have fizzled yearly) for it to last awhile.

So technically speaking, this shouldn't be A Big Deal, right? I knew it was coming, I've had six months to get used to the idea. I've been talking about dropping out of it as a part of my future for most of that time. I've even managed to find another place for me to go to.

So why the hell do I feel like crawling under my desk and hiding, not to mention that I kind of want to go out and get drunk, now that the hammer has finally come down?

I'm sad about losing my friends in group #1, who I will see either never again or about once a year if I don't go to their turf. There is that. They're a spectacular group of people. But other than that, hell, this frees up more time in my schedule. Group #1 has "every other weeknight" meetings that make it difficult to schedule anything else on that night, and I've been trying to work around that for 2 1/2 years. Group #2 has meeting times that are more flexible, and that so far I can generally make meetings on unless I'm out of town. The folks there seem nice. There are some advantages to this.

And yet, I am still inwardly cringing and feeling sick and having a hard time trying not to feel that way. It doesn't help either that the fellow mentioned that he also got laid off from his job (we work in the same general location), which suddenly makes me feel all paranoid for myself, even though I work in one of those highly necessary areas that's about as layoff-free as anyone is likely to get in this day and age. I know it's dumb, but hearing of anyone else's makes me have flashbacks to the last recession when it was me.

I don't make changes unless they are thrust upon me, which this one was. About the only change I choose on my own are what activities to do. Somehow it doesn't bother me to choose to make a change when I decide to fill up my schedule, but to lose something from it (that doesn't have a natural ending date, but was thrust upon me) bothers the crap out of me.

I am already nervous about the fall because due to policy changes, I may be forced out of my longstanding volunteer job that I love doing. Like the above example, I have been working behind the scenes to cover my ass and find another way to work there if I'm no longer allowed to volunteer. All things considered, I've covered my ass nicely on that, so I should still be able to get all of the benefits of volunteering WHILE DOING LESS WORK (and getting paid in an imaginary way on top of that), if I am forced out. Plus it would free up another weekday night that I've had issues scheduling around for years. None of that is bad. And yet, I CRINGE at leaving volunteering too.

Hell, I'm still cringing at dropping out of a group (call it group #3) that I wanted to join and had to drop out of because it conflicted with volunteering and I couldn't find a way to make the two work.  And I'm cringing at dropping out of my weekend dance class. Mind you, (a) the class ENDED because I was the only one who hadn't dropped out of it besides the instructor, (b) the instructor has now started his own studio, and (c) the reason I am no longer taking from him is because he's moved the class from running once a weekend day to three times on weekday nights, and that kind of scheduling is just really bad for me. I didn't even choose to drop him, I just didn't re-sign up. And yet I feel TERRIBLE about that and am still trying to figure out some way to free up weeknights in order to go, though at the moment this doesn't appear to be working too well.

So. I can add, JUST DON'T SUBTRACT ME, DAMMIT.

All summer, I have been whining that I want to make some changes in my life (not scheduling ones, life goal ones). But I'm not quite unhappy enough to want to throw everything to the winds and bail. It's my heavy Saturn issues- I feel like I should have to endure and that bailing out is NOT an option. I can't just cut and run free of chains. I have to stick with whatever I am already burdened with.

If you ask Elsa, fixed signs are hopeless at this. (Or at least, that's my impression from reading this:)

Those are all fixed signs - so basically you’re not going anywhere until and unless you decide to move, which will probably take an act of God.

So far, no act of God is stepping in here. I don't think I want to ask for one, because that tends to mean something like "your home will be flooded and THAT will make you change. Bwahahahah, bitch!". I'd rather have some kind of miraculous inner sea change, but is that likely? No.

But even beyond that, making changes- even semi-minor ones thrust upon me- makes me feel sick.

Astro.com, on Saturn square Uranus:

This aspect may be expressed in another way, as a tension in your life between personal freedom and authority or sense of duty. One part of you is always trying to toe the line set by others, while another part wants to break free. Usually you feel that you can fulfill your obligations only by giving up personal freedom. It is difficult for you to be yourself, do what you want to do, and at the same time do what you have to do. Rebellious behavior, along with a tense and grudging acceptance of your duties, are characteristic of this aspect.

Yup.

I can't say I've had much in the way of manifestation working for me this month (ugh), but today I'm thinking on these subjects and guess what gets posted on the Internet, another fixed sign person with that problem. Alas, they didn't seem to elaborate on what their problem was, so Eric theorized it was a parent issue. Whee, Moon/Saturn!

His suggestion:

I suggest you talk about all the most difficult things first, which means finding someone to talk to about them. There are probably a lot of very bright people in your circle of friends, but you have to find someone with whom you have no fear and who you know will not abuse the power you give them by divulging everything, and I do mean everything. A very open minded therapist would be a great start — preferably somebody without a Ph.D., unless of course you trust and adore that person. Whoever it is, you need to choose a therapist you want to become like, because that is basically what happens.

Hm. Well, I already do that. I just...need to go beyond that point, I think.

Heh. I just finished this, hit post, and then went on to find Roger Ebert having the same issue:

I was surprised how depressed I felt all day on July 21, when Richard and I announced we were leaving the "Ebert and Roeper" program. To be sure, our departures were voluntary. We hadn't been fired. And because of my health troubles, I hadn't appeared on the show for two years. But I advised on co-hosts, suggested movies, stayed in close communication with Don DuPree, our beloved producer-director. The show remained in my life. Now, after 33 years, it was gone--taken in a "new direction." And I was fully realizing what a large empty space it left behind.

Oh, that empty space. Even if I cram it with something new (as I always do at the first damn opportunity- every time something ends, my next season becomes filled with activities), it bugs me.