Venus square Saturn: what it's like.

(This is part of the Group Writing Project for Seduction Central.)

I was trying to explain this to someone at some point, but it really boils down to this:

Let's say that I have a crush on/the hots for/am secretly in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Okay, it's theoretically possible they're just really good at hiding, but I would be 99.9 percent sure that it's not mutual. Most likely, said person doesn't know I'm alive.
Let's say that someone holds a gun to my head, in front of the love object, and says, "Tell him how you feel or I'll shoot you."
I would immediately say, "Shoot me." I wouldn't even have to think about it. Just shoot me! Because I do not want to be alive to deal with the consequences of saying "I love you" to someone who doesn't love me back.

I don't have this issue if there's obvious mutual attraction, but I still sure as hell won't say the words first. Never ever. If the guy's waiting for me to say it first, that won't happen. I'd never date someone shy. If the guy doesn't make obvious moves towards me, I won't take the lead. I am not a Rules Girl, but I am afraid of scaring a guy off. The first guy my mother ever said "I love you" to...well, she never saw him again. (Until he found out she was engaged, but that's another story.) My mom doesn't have Venus square Saturn, but I always suspect that is going to happen to me if I made the move. Oddly enough, I was always like that, long before she told me that story.

I don't flirt. Ever. There is no way I'm sending anyone the message that "Tee hee hee, you're cute and I wanna fuck you!" (Which to me is what all flirting boils down to, really.) I hate flirting. It is way too obvious. Not to mention that well, I just don't find too many people that I'd WANT to send that message to. I don't get flirting as a manner of play or whatever else it's used for. I cannot conceive of being so obvious about my liking of a person from the getgo. What if he doesn't like me back? Because I REALLY HATE IT when someone tells me he likes me and it's not mutual. I pretty much run in terror, never to be seen again, because I am very bad at turning someone down and coping with it afterwards. I hate that moment, I don't want to cause it on someone else.

My method of handling crushes, such as they are, is to do nothing. I lurk in the shadows and observe him, trying to figure out if he's worth crushing on. If I'm feeling bold, I might stroll by in a cute outfit, not even looking anywhere in his direction. In the last few years, I have to say that the observation method has been good, because I would have died of embarrassment had I made a move on people who turned out to be taken and/or gay. Not that those people would have had interest in me anyway, but at least I didn't feel like a total idiot once I found out.

Also, like Tim Gunn, I am not nearly as hot as people think I am. Er, let me rephrase that... I do not get nearly the amount of male attention that some people think I should be getting. I've had some people tell me that I DO get lots of attention and don't notice it, but...well, I really don't think so. I'm an odd duck when it comes to looks and unless you like nerds, I don't fall into anyone's "type" too well. I was also considered quite dog-ugly growing up, and I really look about the same then as I do now, so I generally assume I'm not most people's cup of tea. Which is fine, because most people aren't mine either, and I'd hate to look like a supermodel and be turning down men all the dang time.

Love is not fun for me. It's extremely fucking serious. I don't do casual dating, it's not fun to "just go out for a good time with a man." Going on dates with people I don't like Like That, I can't enjoy it. I keep thinking about how I just want to flee, how much I don't want to have to dump him and yet I can't stand making out with him. A good chunk of the time, I've given in and made out with the guy just because it's easier than saying no, even if my body is screaming no.

If I have the hots for someone, my brain is going direct to fantasizing about being married for life, no matter what. I'm not maritally crazed, mind you. I don't even necessarily WANT to get married, I think I'd make a shitty wife and hate having to deal with being treated like Mrs. HisProperty, and would probably be happier living in the same apartment complex as a boyfriend than even shacking up. I fear shacking up big time. And yet, my brain wants the legal commitment. My heart doesn't, but the brain does. I was dumb enough to get engaged on the third date (after a long dry spell and a previous ex who was not about the committing long-term), why? Because among other reasons, this one wanted to commit.

Saturn squashes Venus? Well, yes. Flat like pancake. I don't have much Venus at all, really. It's pulverized under an anvil somewhere.