6 posts tagged “stuck”

Not astro-related, but another article about stuckness at Salon.

I am at a crossroads in my life in what feels like all of the major categories. I am daily sorting through major issues in my relationship, in my career choice, in my decision to go back to school, and also where I want to continue to live, or where I would like to relocate. I've been grappling with most of these issues for three years, and I think it's safe to say I'm stuck. I'm not making any concrete decisions because God blessed me with a most infuriating skill. Cary, I have the ability to see the pros and cons of every situation to an extreme degree. I am an over-analyzer, I am the friggin' president of the Over-Analyzer Club. As soon as I am done arguing with myself about the all the reasons it would be highly beneficial for me to leave my current career, I just as easily switch to the opposite side and thoroughly convince myself of all the reasons to stay. It's insane and exhausting and as mentioned above, no longer productive.

Back on astro-topic, there's a sentence by Cary that makes me think, "Uranus in the third!" I can't find his birth year, so I can't confirm it, but I wonder.

"Last week I tried to write in a "straightforward" manner. Here is what I found: The energy in my writing comes from crazy. I can be reasonable but the energy comes from crazy. The longer I tried to write in a straightforward way, the less motivated I was. When I write, I reach for something crazy. That is what motivates me. It is a thirst for something new and strange.

Gertrude Stein spoke in a different language of English. I know now why. She wanted different. It was only different that charged her up. I'm that way too. I'm not imitating Gertrude Stein but I can see where she was coming from, how she felt."

No, really.

LATELY I HAVE been hearing a lot of the word stuck. This feels positively strange to say, but there seems to be a trend of admitting you're not going anywhere in life, or like you feel like you're not going anywhere. Every other email I get from a reader is about how stuck they feel. I guess all these years of voting Republican and having lattes for lunch are finally starting to catch up with us.
This is not the ever-popular "Bugger off, I'm proud to be stuck" energy; it is not the eminently distinguished "Who, me? Stuck?" posture, either. This is, "Wow, I'm like really stuck. I want to be an artist, but the only thing I've used a pencil for in the past six years is to scratch inside my ear. I've had these paints in my closet since 1998, and the lids are stuck. Even the gas cap on my Ford Explorer is stuck. I hate my job and my bed feels like fly paper."
Eclipses, which are coming soon, tend to move stuck energy, stuck people and stuck things. That is to say, they move it (that is, us) whether we like it or not, and it's actually possible to have a lot of fun during this time of acceleration and adventure.

One of the properties of Aquarius is the fixation of patterns. Every sign has its ups and downs, and each person born under a particular sign borrows a diversity of those properties (never really all of them). Aquarius is extremely good at establishing mental patterns.

We know that the way to play the game in the Age of Aquarius is to establish a pattern and let it take on a life of its own. That pattern becomes a thing that's easy, even necessary, to get trapped in. We can even do this consciously; we teach ourselves a routine and typically find it very difficult to function without it. Patterns take on lives of their own, and they tend to live us as much as we live them. They nearly all involve technology, relationships or both. A couple may get into a pattern of relating, or sex, and it seems impossible to change; or a person may get into a pattern of being alone. And it can seem a huge deal to change that energy imprint; it can seem like nothing else is possible (but then of course it is).

Yet even strong fixed-sign people are getting sick of the patterns that have ruled their lives for so long: along with a lot of other people who are fairly well sick of the emotional distance, the insane rush and the lack of contact with one's core values that have been taking over the world.
The point I am making in a roundabout (fishy) way here is that being stuck is a necessary part of the lives we live, in the age we are living; and part of that game involves jumping the tracks and getting unstuck long enough to make some changes and initiate a new pattern; and then this proceeds till the next time. Has anyone noticed this?
Then come eclipses. Eclipses represent phases of time and specific events wherein we get to shift continuity and establish new patterns. Their ability to help us do both is about equal; we can be directly taken out of long-established patterns (this is usually passive, unconscious mode); we can lay down the grid and create a new method, approach, attitude or mode of existence (this is usually active, conscious mode).

The oncoming ones happen to be in fixed signs. The solar eclipse of Aug. 1 is in Leo. In the first astrology book written in English (called Christian Astrology, published in 1647), William Lilly writes that when an eclipse of the Sun occurs in Leo, if it was rainy for a long time, there shall be a drought, and if it was dry, it will rain a lot. The prior fixed pattern will exchange itself for a new fixed pattern.

Let's look at the human dimension, with a little help from the ideas of the Tibetan speaking through Alice A. Bailey in Esoteric Astrology. The Leo-Aquarius axis involves the way in which individuals relate to groups, which is one of the most important contact points of any social creature or any society. Leo is the sign of personal expression, which can represent itself as egotism on one end of the spectrum or as true individuality on the other.
 
Aquarius is the sign of collective expression, which can express itself as a kind of cultural fascism at one end of the spectrum or as freedom for individuals to both express themselves as such, and to freely relate in groups, on the other end. The structure is parallel. In a world where Leo is expressed egotistically, a culture will tend toward locked-in patterns and express mass consciousness (to wit, Nazi Germany). Where a culture allows individuals to be themselves, the social pattern will be more liberal, and the culture will tend toward group consciousness (quick, somebody name a place).

It is difficult for most people to tell the difference between the two parallel worlds, yet the difference makes all the difference in the universe. The purposes underlying the two sides of the equation are entirely at odds; the agendas are opposite. Currently, our society is attempting a long, painful transition from one to the other. Individuals who are undergoing the psychological process are moving from egotism to individuality. As this occurs, society will gradually shift from mass consciousness to group consciousness. The shift is extremely disorienting for many people, particularly where family relations are concerned.

We forget that the first group is the family, which is a version of the tribe -- a distinctly Aquarian entity. The family is particularly brutal about allowing individuals to be themselves. All of psychology, psychiatry, therapy, astrology and humanistic process work are basically devoted to undoing the damage of the family and encouraging individuals to freely be themselves. For example, in the majority of my astrological sessions, I work with people whose ability to express themselves was hampered or damaged by what they were told by their parents. And in the process, their (that is, our) sense of self or right to exist as an individual free to make choices was damaged or disconnected from its power source.

In the current sequence of eclipses, we experience a total solar event in Leo first, suggesting that the place to start is with oneself. What stories do you tell yourself about who you are? What do you want to believe about who you are? If you are stuck, do you recognize the extent to which this is on the level of ideas, i.e., in true fixed-sign form, "in your head"? If so, what is your model of your own psyche? How do you believe you make real changes, and do you even believe you can? Activity in Leo is encouraging you to go from being unconscious or self-conscious to fully self-aware and self-reflective.

I'll admit it. I miss every chance handed to me because I'm not ready at that time. And then it is too late.

Here's a non-astro example: I don't drive. When I was 16, I was a spoiled brat...well, I still am (Taurus), but my parents would have bought me a car had I learned how to drive then like I should have. Talk about a missed opportunity, right? I could have had it very easy if I'd just sucked it up and drove like everyone else on the right timeline. But I'm an idiot who panics and cries and crashes, and thus I wasted it. Everyone who's tried to teach me has gotten fed up or terrified or both very fast, within 3 sessions of me behind the wheel, and now I'm pretty much out of people for practicing with unless I pay them. (And since a paid instructor is what screwed me up in the first place, I really don't feel like giving another one a chance. Though to be fair, even if I paid someone, I'd still need a free volunteer for more practice after the sessions were over.)

Even if now, today, I decided really and for truly I WILL DRIVE GODDAMMIT, I am pretty well out of support from others in order to do it. I scared the shit out of everyone who wanted to help me, and they had enough. And you can't do it alone, argh. Total wasted opportunity. I wasn't ready to drive when the window of support was open, and now it's shut and I probably will never manage at this point.

This is why I tell everyone with kids to teach their kids from the age of 8 or 12 or something. They really need to ALREADY KNOW HOW to drive BEFORE the official lessons start. My parents insisted on Being Legal and we have all lived to regret that choice.

This comment is sadly me:

Ever see a person who failed their first Saturn Return and were unable to transition into adult responsibilities? Someone who missed the point of the individuation and spiritualization process of the midlife set of transits? Ever see someone who has missed the point of the Chiron return at 51 or the second Saturn return at 59? All these are psychological and spiritual growth experiences. There is just something empty about these people, failed potential, lost opportunities.

I am empty and a failure. Whee. I still can't figure out adulthood. I didn't get my shit together. I was too busy dealing with Dad-dying stuff to grab life by the scruff of the neck and make it do what I like at the right age and time. Now that I have the time, I can't get myself to move on it for shit. Or to even figure out step A. Step A, of course, is driving, because you can't do anything in the world (outside of my town anyway, which is one of the few places in America where a non-driver can exist and survive on their own) without a car and driving it a LOT.

*sigh*

Another stuck person, Not sure what to make of this.

I related more to this podcast, which featured a woman with a family who wants to go on tour with her husband, but should she have a more boring and stable job? Naturally, she's in the Saturn Return...

I liked how they did this: they analyzed how many elements she had of rebellion/independence in her chart (Mars in Aries in 10th, sun opposite Pluto (Pluto in 7th square Mars in 10th), Gemini ascendant) versus the elements of the status quo (Moon/Saturn in Virgo in 4th, Jupiter in Cancer in 2nd. Of course, she's right in the middle between the two. Uck.

They said that squares are a call to action/crisis invoked, but oppositions are more tension that doesn't have an immediate answer.

Hello, my name is Jennifer, and I am a massive ball of Taurus/Leo/Scorp fixed sign stuff, and I CAN'T DEAL WITH CHANGE.

Let's just get that out in the open, shall we?

Here's how my day has gone. No family fighting, for once, but that's because my mom is going out of town. Local drama is going down, though.

I am in an organization that I cannot get to without assistance, as it is not located remotely near public transport. I used to get rides over with friends, who all moved out of my area. A year or so ago, I finally found someone living in my town who wanted to join the group, so I rode along with him.

For the last six months or so, I have had the impression that this fellow wanted to/was going to drop out of the group. He was having a rough time in it, he didn't exactly have spectacular attendance (and this is someone who, from my previous experience of him, is not flaky like that), and his excuses for not wanting to go got lamer and lamer. And finally, he had something bad happen to him at the last meeting that made him want to officially drop out. I can't blame him for this at all, because if I had that going on, I would drop out too.

So basically, I knew this was coming. KNEW THIS.

In the meantime, an opportunity has come up for me to join a similar group, which is located in my town and would not require me to find a ride out to meetings. (The folks in the group all have the same lack of transport issue, as far as I can tell, so they weren't joining group #1.) So I joined it, knowing that odds are I was going to have to leave group #1. I think there are enough people in the group who sound like they're permanent locals (this town has a LOT of flakes, which is why my attempts to start a local group with the people I met previously have fizzled yearly) for it to last awhile.

So technically speaking, this shouldn't be A Big Deal, right? I knew it was coming, I've had six months to get used to the idea. I've been talking about dropping out of it as a part of my future for most of that time. I've even managed to find another place for me to go to.

So why the hell do I feel like crawling under my desk and hiding, not to mention that I kind of want to go out and get drunk, now that the hammer has finally come down?

I'm sad about losing my friends in group #1, who I will see either never again or about once a year if I don't go to their turf. There is that. They're a spectacular group of people. But other than that, hell, this frees up more time in my schedule. Group #1 has "every other weeknight" meetings that make it difficult to schedule anything else on that night, and I've been trying to work around that for 2 1/2 years. Group #2 has meeting times that are more flexible, and that so far I can generally make meetings on unless I'm out of town. The folks there seem nice. There are some advantages to this.

And yet, I am still inwardly cringing and feeling sick and having a hard time trying not to feel that way. It doesn't help either that the fellow mentioned that he also got laid off from his job (we work in the same general location), which suddenly makes me feel all paranoid for myself, even though I work in one of those highly necessary areas that's about as layoff-free as anyone is likely to get in this day and age. I know it's dumb, but hearing of anyone else's makes me have flashbacks to the last recession when it was me.

I don't make changes unless they are thrust upon me, which this one was. About the only change I choose on my own are what activities to do. Somehow it doesn't bother me to choose to make a change when I decide to fill up my schedule, but to lose something from it (that doesn't have a natural ending date, but was thrust upon me) bothers the crap out of me.

I am already nervous about the fall because due to policy changes, I may be forced out of my longstanding volunteer job that I love doing. Like the above example, I have been working behind the scenes to cover my ass and find another way to work there if I'm no longer allowed to volunteer. All things considered, I've covered my ass nicely on that, so I should still be able to get all of the benefits of volunteering WHILE DOING LESS WORK (and getting paid in an imaginary way on top of that), if I am forced out. Plus it would free up another weekday night that I've had issues scheduling around for years. None of that is bad. And yet, I CRINGE at leaving volunteering too.

Hell, I'm still cringing at dropping out of a group (call it group #3) that I wanted to join and had to drop out of because it conflicted with volunteering and I couldn't find a way to make the two work.  And I'm cringing at dropping out of my weekend dance class. Mind you, (a) the class ENDED because I was the only one who hadn't dropped out of it besides the instructor, (b) the instructor has now started his own studio, and (c) the reason I am no longer taking from him is because he's moved the class from running once a weekend day to three times on weekday nights, and that kind of scheduling is just really bad for me. I didn't even choose to drop him, I just didn't re-sign up. And yet I feel TERRIBLE about that and am still trying to figure out some way to free up weeknights in order to go, though at the moment this doesn't appear to be working too well.

So. I can add, JUST DON'T SUBTRACT ME, DAMMIT.

All summer, I have been whining that I want to make some changes in my life (not scheduling ones, life goal ones). But I'm not quite unhappy enough to want to throw everything to the winds and bail. It's my heavy Saturn issues- I feel like I should have to endure and that bailing out is NOT an option. I can't just cut and run free of chains. I have to stick with whatever I am already burdened with.

If you ask Elsa, fixed signs are hopeless at this. (Or at least, that's my impression from reading this:)

Those are all fixed signs - so basically you’re not going anywhere until and unless you decide to move, which will probably take an act of God.

So far, no act of God is stepping in here. I don't think I want to ask for one, because that tends to mean something like "your home will be flooded and THAT will make you change. Bwahahahah, bitch!". I'd rather have some kind of miraculous inner sea change, but is that likely? No.

But even beyond that, making changes- even semi-minor ones thrust upon me- makes me feel sick.

Astro.com, on Saturn square Uranus:

This aspect may be expressed in another way, as a tension in your life between personal freedom and authority or sense of duty. One part of you is always trying to toe the line set by others, while another part wants to break free. Usually you feel that you can fulfill your obligations only by giving up personal freedom. It is difficult for you to be yourself, do what you want to do, and at the same time do what you have to do. Rebellious behavior, along with a tense and grudging acceptance of your duties, are characteristic of this aspect.

Yup.

I can't say I've had much in the way of manifestation working for me this month (ugh), but today I'm thinking on these subjects and guess what gets posted on the Internet, another fixed sign person with that problem. Alas, they didn't seem to elaborate on what their problem was, so Eric theorized it was a parent issue. Whee, Moon/Saturn!

His suggestion:

I suggest you talk about all the most difficult things first, which means finding someone to talk to about them. There are probably a lot of very bright people in your circle of friends, but you have to find someone with whom you have no fear and who you know will not abuse the power you give them by divulging everything, and I do mean everything. A very open minded therapist would be a great start — preferably somebody without a Ph.D., unless of course you trust and adore that person. Whoever it is, you need to choose a therapist you want to become like, because that is basically what happens.

Hm. Well, I already do that. I just...need to go beyond that point, I think.

Heh. I just finished this, hit post, and then went on to find Roger Ebert having the same issue:

I was surprised how depressed I felt all day on July 21, when Richard and I announced we were leaving the "Ebert and Roeper" program. To be sure, our departures were voluntary. We hadn't been fired. And because of my health troubles, I hadn't appeared on the show for two years. But I advised on co-hosts, suggested movies, stayed in close communication with Don DuPree, our beloved producer-director. The show remained in my life. Now, after 33 years, it was gone--taken in a "new direction." And I was fully realizing what a large empty space it left behind.

Oh, that empty space. Even if I cram it with something new (as I always do at the first damn opportunity- every time something ends, my next season becomes filled with activities), it bugs me.

"In a session with a client the other day, she asked me if I saw her moving any time soon.  She really wanted to move from where she was, and she was hoping that was indicated in her chart somewhere."

I hear that. Well, moving along with something in general, if not specifically the town I live in. (On my list of places to live, the town I am in is #3. That ain't bad. Especially since locations #2 and #1 are incredibly beyond expensive.)

But I do want to do...something. And I somehow absolutely cannot budge myself to do a damn thing. Oh, the joys of being doubly fixed. My poor lone Sag moon wants ouuuuuuuuut and the Taurus and Scorpio axis emphasis does not allow escape. I'm a chaos magnet, but in the last year and a half, my lightning-rod-ness has dwindled down to some degree. I'm used to lightning making decisions for me. And it seems like without being forced to because something blew up, I can't make myself do squat.

Then again, this could also be because I am also so sick of things exploding around me that I don't want to deliberately cause more unpleasant upset in my life. Then again, I'm unable to even go for PLEASANT upset.

So, what's the issue with this? Is it fixable?

Sometimes we have planetary events that clearly indicate a change is coming: for example, when transiting Uranus (radical change and innovation) crosses over the Midheaven/Nadir axis (cusp of the fourth house of home and tenth house of career).  Twice a year or so transiting Mars will cross that point, stimulating the desire for some sort of change.  But change is not always seen as just an event triggered by a planet; it is often the result of an activated Will that occurs after a longer-term cycle.

Yeah, so far this isn't panning out for me.

This client had what I like to call a "Mars Problem" in her chart, with Mars in the twelfth house, where it operates in the subconscious realms, and stressed by both Saturn (limitation and challenge) and Chiron (wounding and healing).  Mars acts as the Will of our personal self; in many ways it is our Free Will.  Mars is our desire nature; it shows how we go about getting what we want and keeping what we have and in that role it also shows how well we set boundaries and defend ourselves.  When Mars is stressed in the chart we have difficulty in all of these areas and our Free Will loses its functionality as a result.  Sometimes we can feel paralyzed, not knowing where to turn.

My Mars is hammered:

Mars Conjunct Midheaven  
Sun Square Mars  
Mars Square Ascendant  
Mars Square Uranus  
Moon Trine Mars  
Mercury Trine Mars  

Some good aspects, but enough hard ones in there probably drone that out. I can't help but think the Mars square Uranus might translate into "big changes = trouble for you." And the fact that it's on the MC and squared by the axis is not good either. Sheesh, and Saturn's not even involved in that.

In the case of my client, she was in a longer-term cycle of Uranus transiting through the tenth house which had caused her to leave her job and pursue a series of other opportunities.  She didn't feel that any of them were right for her but judged herself for wanting yet another change.  Because her Mars, her own inner direction of Free Will, was challenged in the birthchart it was difficult for her to feel safe in her choices.

We don't always get to exercise our free will, and we don't always get what we want as the Rolling Stones so aptly put it many years ago.  Sometimes our individual will (Mars) is blocked by the gods in the form of Saturn (restrictions) or Pluto (transformation) and in those cases fate takes over and all we can do is surrender.  But we still must exercise that free will or it will become atrophied and useless.

Exercising our free will and empowering our Mars is as easy as this:  Ask yourself, what is it you WANT to have happen.  And then DO IT!

*sigh*

Somehow JUST PICK AND DO IT!!!!!!!!! sounds a whole lot easier to say than to do. I can't help but think that if I make a choice and go after it, I'm just putting up the lightning rod and asking God to strike me down somehow. No wonder I can't do shit.

The upcoming solar eclipse will be landing on my MC (where the natal Mars is) on August 1. Hm. I wonder if that will help do...well, anything.