4 posts tagged “weekly horoscopes”

Done to song tunes.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
No, auld acquaintance be called up,
It's ex-booty time!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
They'll spoon you when you're sleeping,
They'll screw when you're awake.
They'll spank you just because you're good,
So be good for sex's sake!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
Dressed in holiday style.
In the air,
There's a feeling,
of Dionysus.
People laughing,
Strangers passing,
Meeting stare after stare.
And on ev'ry street corner you'll hear,

"Hey, hot-stuff!" "Hey, hot-stuff!"
"I want to lick your big booty."
"You're a doll," hear them call,
Soon it will be Christmas lay.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho's.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Cancers with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.


scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Ding dong ding dong,
You can't go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
O Capricorn, O Capricorn,
Thy quiet charm is just like porn!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You're a mean one, Aquarius
You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Aquarius,
If you can't make your mind up then go play the field!

You're a monster, Aquarius,
Your heart's an empty hole,
Your loins are full of indecision, you have anti-commitment powder in your soul, Aquarius,
You wouldn't touch a relationship with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You're a rotter, Aquarius,
You're the king of breaking hearts,
Spare a thought for the splotched tomatoes you leave behind you, Aquarius,
Don't be a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Before all else, you must rehearse your rallying cry. Know it inside and out. It should be one concise sentence, no more, and fairly sum up the core logic behind why That Big Thing (a.k.a. the relationship, the business, the premise, the project) is worth every imaginable morsel of turmoil it's thus far caused and may well continue causing. This mantra is like your compass, your handful of breadcrumbs that'll lead you through the dark and scary forest you cannot avoid maneuvering through, if you hope to find your way back to safety. Repeat it to yourself throughout this treacherous journey, Taurus, as the lurking monsters jump out at you, forming ugly faces and uttering creepy noises as they try to make you lose your way. They rightfully know that, if only they can hold you here in this burdensome limbo of mutual terrorization (for, despite their fearsome appearance, they're as scared of you as you are of them), they'll get their insatiable need for human drama adequately fed—while you, on the other hand, will never quite succeed at attaining the very goals that led you into this turmoil in the first place, due to the agitating intensity knocking you off course. But you didn't sign on for an anything-goes feedback loop of endlessly perpetuating 'the hard parts' of this situation, did you? You're only here for a very particular reason. And what is it again? Repeat the rallying cry. It is your sole rationale. Keep returning to it, and you'll ensure this leg of the trip is as painless as possible, which, no matter how you slice it, isn't entirely without pain.

From Ask Metafilter:

Every Friday at work, feel restless. I'm not content to sit at my desk. I feel the need to walk around, do something, get out of the office. I can't seem to focus on work, or accomplish much throughout the day. My weekends are particularly exciting, but I just have the overwhelming feeling to get out as soon as possible on a Friday afternoon. What can I do to get over this?

I’ve been at my temp job for two weeks now, and I’m going stir-crazy. My responsibilities are Virgo to the extreme, and I can feel the negative aspects of Saturn’s transit through Virgo in full force: the burden of paying attention to detail; the boredom of attending to mundane, repetitive tasks. I want to break free and indulge my creative side (transiting Uranus in Pisces), which I purportedly do through the blog. But to be frank, most of my sasstrological efforts have been put into fixing broken links; posting over 20 entries a week from our various authors; scaling and cropping images. I’ve written just two posts for the new site since it launched last Wednesday. So, this launch has been way more Saturn in Virgo than Uranus in Pisces for me. I’ve had the occasional “ah hah!” moment when I think of a good idea for a post, but mostly I’m just working out kinks on the back end.

The dark side of Saturn is having the joy sucked out of life. I can actually derive pleasure from my Virgo Rising: I love to edit, for example. But recently, most Virgo responsibilities feel like a chore, and I am not savoring the moment, whether I am washing dishes or coding in HTML.

Ideally, Saturn opposite Uranus manifests as the practical application of ingenuity. The Virgo-Pisces polarity brings into it the ability to clearly express one’s imaginative flights. I’d like to think that, with this new site, I am integrating both my Virgo Ascendant and Pisces Sun. But Saturn’s transit through my First House is a heavy presence, and although I have plenty of Uranian flashes, they all need to pass the Saturn test. Can it be implemented? Will doing this increase my bottom line?

Working hard would be so much easier if I did not feel a simultaneous need to be free and do my own thing. But that’s precisely what this Saturn-Uranus opposition is about. Ideally, I’d work hard only doing my own thing – and running Sasstrology is part of how I plan to accomplish that. But now I have to go back to my tunnel and keep digging until the light breaks through.

As for me, I am trying to work on my NaNo novel right now and it is like dredging through sludge. My characters have a problem they don't know how to solve ("how do you stop an accelerating man?"), the answer is something I did NOT figure out before writing. I really don't know what to say or how to do it, so I am piddling about for the last two days, falling behind in word count and all I can have them do is have a shit-shooting brainstorming session. I am attempting to look up the science and not finding much I can apply to my situation. It is very literally a case of PRACTICALITY MUST BE ENFORCED...

Argh.

Well, maybe it's all Pluto's fault.

Double Team Psychic Dream:

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

The image that's coming up psychically for you folksy folks this week is that of an umbilical cord, that creepy, slimy thing that connected you to your mom back in the day. What is your metaphorical creepy, slimy cord attached to today? It's time to review what you're connecting yourself to. Who's your mommy?

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

When you create boundaries on a landscape strewn with land mines, the volatile and scary nature of the activity can lead you to construct some half-assed, half-true boundaries. Don't let your fears prevent you from being truthful about your needs and limits, OK?