Saturn Return Can Bite Me

This week's AstroBarry

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:05:03 -0700

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your heart's true desires are not ambiguous in the slightest. There is what you want—and then there's what you believe you must take (i.e., accept, settle for) out of survival-need 'realism'. I am not going to oversimplify here, Taurus, by implying you should strive to magically transcend all survivalist thinking like some blissful lightworker guru who espouses 'thriving over surviving'. While it would be great if we could all toss our mundane worries out the window and focus purely on what we love, that is certainly not always possible… and especially not so for you Taureans, practically-minded above all else. That said, though you might not be able to presently set everything else aside, it is useful for you to be able to articulate (quietly to yourself, if not aloud-and-proud) what you deeply, genuinely desire… without saddling it down with justifiable excuses why you ought not want what you want (e.g., impossible, impractical, would cause too many complications, would disappoint someone else, pointless, crazy, too expensive, et al). All those exceptions merely cloud the truth of your heart's desires with a faulty ambiguity. I am not talking about how to actually achieve the realization of what you want, which is where all those practical-minded considerations impede your ability to acknowledge the desire in its fullest splendor. Forget all that for now. Just feel the want, unmitigated by logistical shoot-downs. Know that want, unambiguously, inside and out.

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Goal-oriented horoscopes

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 15:06:11 -0700

Who'd be interested in this for $4.95? I think I'm still undecided as to whether or not I'd actually use it myself, but others might find it helpful.

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Eclipse scopes

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:24:37 -0700

Here.

Taurus:
While people may have questioned your judgement in the past, they have generally left your sanity alone, save for the occasional shoe binge, but that’s for another column/time. On this full moon however, your mental capacities are going to be challenged by your toughest critic; yourself. We often fail to recognize that we live in a strange and multi-dimensional universe that doesn’t always appear and act the way we’re used to. On this, full-lunar-eclipse, the veil between worlds gets mighty thin for you. Ghosts, orbs, UFO’s, sprites, you name it, they all could very well be making cameos in your consciousness. Get a camera, a notebook, whatever you can and catch the fleeting phantasms that flicker by. You’ll need the evidence.

Oh my. That should be...interesting.

Scorpio:
If there was one sign that could take this energy around the eclipse and use it as a portal to some greater realm of understanding, it’s you. Be open to the vast potential that lies in the dark. While most people generally shy away from such intensity, you on the other hand court it and consort with it. Let the power of this moon phase pull you through to the other side, like a shamanic journey of sorts, and keep your eyes wide open as you do so. Your mission is to get back and then draw up a map for the rest of us, as we enter the next eclipse cycle with The Sun, later this month. Just remember, all the great explorers of history had to stare uncertainty in the eye and set sail into the course of their destiny. In this regard, you are not alone, but part of a legacy of those who have gone, where no man or woman has gone before. Just remember to write down the directions.

Hmmmm....

This week's Astro-Barry:

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If you Taureans are as grounded and sensible as your earthiest-of-the-earth-signs reputation suggests, then you'll understand how comforting it'll be for the rest of us if you can maintain a level head during the eclipse-addled week that's ahead. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to respond to everyone else's larger-than-life reactions to understandably nerve-wracking developments with an understated, reality-check-inspiring 'no big deal'—while, at the same time, resisting the instinct to belittle their exaggeratory demonstrativeness and, instead, exuding a welcoming sense that you understand why they may be so worked up. It's a delicate balance to strike, Taurus, between showing them you sincerely care about their emotional jumbles and helping them moderate the echoing reverberations. The last thing you'll want to do, need I tell you, is to make anybody feel ridiculous or stupid for freaking out about stuff in their life that's unquestionably up-in-the-air; that will surely turn matters more over-the-top. However, your reflecting an assuredness that everything will ultimately work out (because, of course, it generally does) can work wonders in allowing them to see past their initial freakout... and into a future in which they will have adjusted to, perhaps even flourished as a result of, the changes currently transpiring. In case this isn't clear, besides the interpersonal brownie points such assistance will yield you, the main self-serving reason why you ought to bother: Not freaking out along with 'em buys you a significant degree of personal emotional space.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): Devote a chunk of thoughtful moments, in honor of the week's eclipse in your solar 9th, to chewing on questions of principle… specifically, what defining philosophic values could be said, when (in the last throes of breathing humanhood) all is said and done, to undergird who you have been as a person. This is not merely an exercise in navel-gazing, Scorpio (though, even if it were, such purposeful introspection wouldn't be such a terrible thing). Rather, beginning to emit the ripples of clearer guiding life-principles now, at this pivotal eclipse juncture, will assist you over the coming months. The state of your career, public life and/or community position will be an area of dynamic activity for the last quarter of '09 and well into '10… with the possibility of stirred-up dissatisfaction or conflict in your current situation, perspective-flustering starts and stops and starts in new potential opportunities, and/or repeated chances to fight for the primacy of your authentic desires (over, say, 'doing what you should' to suit someone else's priorities). In the height of that future action, you're liable to become sidetracked by personality clashes, short-term glittering promises or other superficial symbols—unless, that is, you've spent some time in advance of that heightening thinking about what really matters to you. By doing that now, before the scope and multiplicity of developments intensifies, will alleviate much confusion and minimize how much sidetracking you'll unconsciously drag yourself into. In fact, don't just think about what's most important to you; write it down and tape it to the wall above your desk, so you're constantly reminded in the months ahead.

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Christmas horoscopes

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:56:18 -0800

Done to song tunes.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
No, auld acquaintance be called up,
It's ex-booty time!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
They'll spoon you when you're sleeping,
They'll screw when you're awake.
They'll spank you just because you're good,
So be good for sex's sake!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
Dressed in holiday style.
In the air,
There's a feeling,
of Dionysus.
People laughing,
Strangers passing,
Meeting stare after stare.
And on ev'ry street corner you'll hear,

"Hey, hot-stuff!" "Hey, hot-stuff!"
"I want to lick your big booty."
"You're a doll," hear them call,
Soon it will be Christmas lay.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho's.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Cancers with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Ding dong ding dong,
You can't go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
O Capricorn, O Capricorn,
Thy quiet charm is just like porn!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You're a mean one, Aquarius
You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Aquarius,
If you can't make your mind up then go play the field!

You're a monster, Aquarius,
Your heart's an empty hole,
Your loins are full of indecision, you have anti-commitment powder in your soul, Aquarius,
You wouldn't touch a relationship with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You're a rotter, Aquarius,
You're the king of breaking hearts,
Spare a thought for the splotched tomatoes you leave behind you, Aquarius,
Don't be a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

Aquarian is my favorite, of course. God, ain't that the truth.

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This week's AstroBarry

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:34:18 -0800

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Before all else, you must rehearse your rallying cry. Know it inside and out. It should be one concise sentence, no more, and fairly sum up the core logic behind why That Big Thing (a.k.a. the relationship, the business, the premise, the project) is worth every imaginable morsel of turmoil it's thus far caused and may well continue causing. This mantra is like your compass, your handful of breadcrumbs that'll lead you through the dark and scary forest you cannot avoid maneuvering through, if you hope to find your way back to safety. Repeat it to yourself throughout this treacherous journey, Taurus, as the lurking monsters jump out at you, forming ugly faces and uttering creepy noises as they try to make you lose your way. They rightfully know that, if only they can hold you here in this burdensome limbo of mutual terrorization (for, despite their fearsome appearance, they're as scared of you as you are of them), they'll get their insatiable need for human drama adequately fed—while you, on the other hand, will never quite succeed at attaining the very goals that led you into this turmoil in the first place, due to the agitating intensity knocking you off course. But you didn't sign on for an anything-goes feedback loop of endlessly perpetuating 'the hard parts' of this situation, did you? You're only here for a very particular reason. And what is it again? Repeat the rallying cry. It is your sole rationale. Keep returning to it, and you'll ensure this leg of the trip is as painless as possible, which, no matter how you slice it, isn't entirely without pain.

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That's why you can't get shit done today

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:10:23 -0800

From Ask Metafilter:

Every Friday at work, feel restless. I'm not content to sit at my desk. I feel the need to walk around, do something, get out of the office. I can't seem to focus on work, or accomplish much throughout the day. My weekends are particularly exciting, but I just have the overwhelming feeling to get out as soon as possible on a Friday afternoon. What can I do to get over this?

From Sasstrology:

I’ve been at my temp job for two weeks now, and I’m going stir-crazy. My responsibilities are Virgo to the extreme, and I can feel the negative aspects of Saturn’s transit through Virgo in full force: the burden of paying attention to detail; the boredom of attending to mundane, repetitive tasks. I want to break free and indulge my creative side (transiting Uranus in Pisces), which I purportedly do through the blog. But to be frank, most of my sasstrological efforts have been put into fixing broken links; posting over 20 entries a week from our various authors; scaling and cropping images. I’ve written just two posts for the new site since it launched last Wednesday. So, this launch has been way more Saturn in Virgo than Uranus in Pisces for me. I’ve had the occasional “ah hah!” moment when I think of a good idea for a post, but mostly I’m just working out kinks on the back end.

The dark side of Saturn is having the joy sucked out of life. I can actually derive pleasure from my Virgo Rising: I love to edit, for example. But recently, most Virgo responsibilities feel like a chore, and I am not savoring the moment, whether I am washing dishes or coding in HTML.

Ideally, Saturn opposite Uranus manifests as the practical application of ingenuity. The Virgo-Pisces polarity brings into it the ability to clearly express one’s imaginative flights. I’d like to think that, with this new site, I am integrating both my Virgo Ascendant and Pisces Sun. But Saturn’s transit through my First House is a heavy presence, and although I have plenty of Uranian flashes, they all need to pass the Saturn test. Can it be implemented? Will doing this increase my bottom line?

Working hard would be so much easier if I did not feel a simultaneous need to be free and do my own thing. But that’s precisely what this Saturn-Uranus opposition is about. Ideally, I’d work hard only doing my own thing – and running Sasstrology is part of how I plan to accomplish that. But now I have to go back to my tunnel and keep digging until the light breaks through.

As for me, I am trying to work on my NaNo novel right now and it is like dredging through sludge. My characters have a problem they don't know how to solve ("how do you stop an accelerating man?"), the answer is something I did NOT figure out before writing. I really don't know what to say or how to do it, so I am piddling about for the last two days, falling behind in word count and all I can have them do is have a shit-shooting brainstorming session. I am attempting to look up the science and not finding much I can apply to my situation. It is very literally a case of PRACTICALITY MUST BE ENFORCED...

Argh.

Well, maybe it's all Pluto's fault.

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Can't argue with that.

nobody@vox.com(fullmoon) — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 10:53:20 -0700

Double Team Psychic Dream:

TAURUS
April 20-May 20
The image that's coming up psychically for you folksy folks this week is that of an umbilical cord, that creepy, slimy thing that connected you to your mom back in the day. What is your metaphorical creepy, slimy cord attached to today? It's time to review what you're connecting yourself to. Who's your mommy?
SCORPIO
Oct. 23-Nov. 21
When you create boundaries on a landscape strewn with land mines, the volatile and scary nature of the activity can lead you to construct some half-assed, half-true boundaries. Don't let your fears prevent you from being truthful about your needs and limits, OK?

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